I found my voice.

I began this torturous journey in 2011. Sadly, most women that choose to be a mother, end up as I did. I can say, I had NO IDEA who I was my whole life. So, joining a complete stranger in marriage at age 22 years old was brave and stupid and crazy, did not help me at all.
I am not complaining. I was never allowed to complain as a child. And I believe a complainer is a weak person. I am not weak.

I chose to raise my kids so differently than I was raised. I gave them a voice. I allowed them to express their emotions, freely. Though in the beginning, I followed my parents steps in how I dealt with my kids as far as punishment. And, boy, was I WRONG! Completely inappropriate and did not teach my kids anything except I was the bully. Children have no business being punished. They should be disciplined. BUT, I could not disciple my kids because, I was punished not disciplined as a kid. I am NOT faulting my parents, they ONLY did what their parents did. So, clearly, punishment was an accepted form of parenting. I had to be the one who recognized this generational curse, the one to reconcile it and change it for the future. I learned the difference between punishment and discipline and applied it to my kids. My deepest regret is that my son was a teenager by then and rebelled against us, but, my daughters, they definitely reaped the rewards of my maturity journey.
**I want to rewind in a quick flashback that will offer an insight to my son's struggle.

I grew up in a household where communication lacked greatly. Where, one parent found it difficult to verbalize affirmation and love. You cannot give what you were never given is something I had learned in adulthood.

And the other parent was insecure and turned to drugs and alcohol, not knowing they suffered from Bi-polar and maniac depression.
Though the household was dysfunctional, I am confident now that all households are dysfunctional in some form and fashion.

I left home at 19years old, literally just turned 19 and was in the Army. I was angry. Angry mostly at my father, whom I felt who emotionally inept. Though I felt that, doesn't make it true. I was angry they forced me to go into the Army. They never showed me other options. No one sat me down and discussed the future, ever. No one showed an interest in me enough to invest in me. One of my greatest sorrows as a child. I was angry at the lack of interest in us from my father. I felt...we were a pain in his ass. He was forced to take care of us, that he never wanted us. And I allowed that to fester in my heart for years. I learned in my adult life that what a child sees and understands is that of a child with limited knowledge and limited maturity and little idea of the whole picture.

It was in my mid 40's that my father and step-mother and I finally addressed all of that. Nothing more shocking to find out how wrong I had been and I had been told lies by loved ones, as a child.
 I definitely addressed the issue that all of this could have been avoided IF they talked with us. Apparently, some people, no matter their age, still cannot communicate.
I have no problem asking questions and no problem speaking my mind.
I learned a lot that particular day.

1.) Perspective is not the truth. And mine was so skewed by lies and bits and pieces of memories. I was dealt a blow that rocked my world that day. Everything I thought I knew as a child was a lie. And I learned that though I recalled a lot of incidents as a child, they were in bits and was not the whole picture which led me to perceive things incorrectly. A gross error on my part BUT I was a child, so the adults that played a huge part in my life were just as much at fault, if not more than I. But, I found the strength to forgive them and let go of all that I though I had known so I could FINALLY be free of my torturous past. Many strongholds were broken on that day and moving forward.

2.) No parent is perfect and flawless. We all are perfectly flawed diamonds in the rough. When we are buffed and shining is up to ourselves. When will we take a good look at ourselves and change what we don't like, implement new habits, and grow in maturity? Sooner is better than later. I can attest to that.

3.) I do not hold anything against my parents anymore. I am angry that my mother could not be strong enough for her daughters. Yes. I am. I am angry she is weak. I am angry she can not forgive herself. I am angry that she put herself in a mental prison and she holds the friggin key to be free! But, all of that is on her. Not me.

4.) I am proud of my father. Some things he cannot change or he thinks he cannot change and I am fine with that. But, he has no problem telling us he loves us. And I am happy for that. I am in awe of my step mother for taking on the task of my father, lol. Italian men are not the easiest creatures to be in a relationship with. Emotionally stunted, most of them are. But, she helped my father to grow in so many ways. he rubbed off on her in others ways too, good ways. I don't know what my father thinks of me. Not a clue. He has never told me. Sometimes, I think he is baffled by me. He is not alone. My husband is sometimes too! HAHAHAHAHA.

5.) I spoke my mind and heart on that particular day to my father and step-mother. They listened, they were hurt, not by my words but when they found out the truth of certain things, they hurt because I was hurting.  For the 1st time since I was 12 years old, I wept in front of my parents. I truly believe we finally broke the barriers and saw each other as we are. We have moved on and it feels so freaking awesome!

Why I shared all of this? My son is following a generational curse that I was once on and have broken now, but, he is doing exactly what I did to my parents. I did not call them, did not include them in my life, barely communicated with them, was mad and blamed stuff on them. My son is doing all of that.
And I am not mad. I am praying for his deliverance, his freedom, his healing, his salvation, his blessings. Yes, I am sad. But, I created and fostered that curse, now my son has to suffer. He is an adult. He has to make that decision that I made. I ONLY pray he makes it sooner than I did and pray we are alive for that reconciliation.

Forgiveness is an absolute key to maturity and moving forward in freedom.

Things happened in our marriage that forced , pushed us both to move forward. My husband screaming and dragging his feet the whole time, as I eased on forward, anticipating my growth.

Strength is my middle name. Journey is my first name. Peace is my last name.

I am more confident that I have ever been.

I don't give a damn about what others think or say about me. That is so freeing in itself alone!
I don't care what people think of my strengths or my boldness.
I no longer allow people to intimidate me.
There has been a spiritual cleansing, a freedom, redemption and revelation birthed within me that I recognized and embraced.
The journey to finding myself was extremely painful, embarrassing, shame-filled which I released in true humility to find true peace and purpose. Which is not of the World.

I am grateful for GOD's mercy, grace and forgiveness and HIS unconditional love which was my light in the time of darkness, my warmth in the moments of coldness and my freedom from slavery and bondage.
I was never afraid to be alone. But, now I know, I am never alone.
Fearlessness is the shoes on my feet.
Wisdom is my breast- plate, Truth is my loin cloth. The WORD of GOD is my sword. I embrace my calling as a warrior and do not care of the jealousy, or hatred of others that do not understand my calling and fear my anointing.

I am not ashamed of who I am.
I am not ashamed of where I came from.
I am not ashamed of what I have been through, for it made who I am today.
I am not perfect nor will I profess to ever be.
I know who holds my future.
In that lies my confidence.
No longer am I lost.
I am found.

I can't believe its' been 3 years since I have written on here. In those 3 years, I really have been on a journey. My most growth in this journey is on and in myself. I stopped allowing my husband and children to treat me like a servant. I spoke and refused to allow them or anyone else to manipulate me any longer. It forced them to open their eyes and make changes.

I started living.
I began to breath.
I found my own voice.

And I am still growing.

I still am afraid of not being an independent, financial independent woman. That is my dream and goal.

I need to accomplish this.

But, in mean time, I finally let go.

My husband and I were separated for 6 months, in the same house,but still, I would not have anything to do with marriage or him.

2013 was a year from hell.

Physically, I ended up with 2 blood clots. But, still started my journey to changing my life style. Eating habits, what I buy, how much I eat, how I eat it, working out, creating that amazing life style that changed me forever.

I am so ging ho for all natural stuff.

Organic everything, fresh veggies and fruits, smoothies and juices.

I incorporate essential oils into my life now too.

I also, have cleansed my heart and mind in this journey.

No more poisonous thoughts, no more poisonous words.

Forgiveness has flooded my world, my mind, my soul.

And my life has changed.

So, yes, I have been on a journey. Of great angst, great sorrow, deep sadness,unlimited fear, finding unending strength, unlimited fearlessness, exhilarating possibilities, joy, happiness, a little bit of a direction.

Down the long dark abyss.

I suspect that many people hit the wall or go down a dark path due to traumatic changes, they just don't tell anyone about it, like me. Mostly, because I don't want to be diagnosed with Bipolar or any other mental disease like my birth mother. It was a dramatic childhood living with an undiagnosed mentally ill person, for sure. That was where I learned to be silent. I did not make "best" friends because of fear of what they would think of my mother and her life style as well as the fact she was so unstable that she moved us almost every single year of our lives while she had custody of us until I was 12 years old. Why bother committing to a friendship when I was not going to be around long?
On top of that, we were poor. My mother did not buy us clothes often and name brands were not in my life until I was an adult. I know remember well the looks of pity from the teachers and how mean the kids were even as far back as Kindergarten.
Learning not to trust as young as 5 years old is a GOD awful event that I am still fighting to overcome. I know many people, really, many. But, trusting them or committing to be more than an acquaintance, simply was not something I knew how to do so I did not.

That was a huge part of my inner demons I struggled with in my marriage too. My husband is my first relationship, though I had boyfriends, again, I did not have a relationship with them, yes that is possible.

So my husband watched me struggle with that inner demon, sometimes I wanted to be with him, most of the time I did not. It really was hard. I felt so bad for him. He was a patient man. We knew I was struggling with something but neither of us could figure it out. I did, just one month ago. It was a comment a character from Grey's Anatomy made, and that comment was a huge BONG in my soul and head. It literally made me jump up and know without a shadow of doubt that was what my struggle was.

It was a generational curse of a lack of commitment forced upon me by my young parents who were not committed to each other , divorcing after 3 or 4 years of marriage, a lack of commitment by my birth mother who could NOT commit to raising us in a healthy, loving home filled with security, moving us around so much that it was an embarrassment. Then when I joined the Army, I moved around often with simple ease and no thought given to it.

I lack the skills and knowledge and desire to commit to a relationship, platonic or intimate.

Needless to say, once I saw that, I wept. For the lost years I feel were wasted, for the lost friendships and for my husband. I pretty much stiffed him of a fulfilling relationship with me because I was so unhappy, contentious and empty inside.

But, I affirm to GOD that once I finished weeping, which, is different from crying, that I felt a heavy, old door close and a new, polished gold door open spiritually and emotionally.

For the first time ever, I felt whole, happy, complete and committed to making my marriage the best ever, restoring peace and joy to my marriage and my home.

I can honestly say, I have never felt so blessed in my whole life as I do now. The joy within me cannot be stolen by the enemy because it is joy from the Lord, pure as gold.

My husband said two nights ago, "This is my wife that I married 21 years ago."

I don't want you to think my house was chaotic or clamorous, filled with contention all those years. But, I was unhappy and hid that for the most of the 21 years until the past 5 years, I just could not hold it in any more.

Neither was it all on me, I am just staking my part.

The fact I was laid off actually helped me so much. I had loads of time to self reflect. I was looking in the spiritual mirror a lot. It is funny how real the WORD is. We, humans really do think we are alright.

We are not. But, as long as we rely on GOD, study HIS WORD, apply the WORD to our DAILY life, focus on ourselves and not others, (I mean don't look for faults in others and be happy to call it out)"Love covers a multitude of sins".

We can make it. Now I know the Word says "Not to forsake the assembly" Heb. 10 v. 25 but I have a hard time finding sincere, mature believers who will lift each other up in love. We have seen so much church mafia, cliques and distortion and manipulation of GOD's precious word for personal gain not GODly gain that I have no desire to assemble with a church.

I seem to get so much more seeking GOD on my own and the freedom of HIS presence is felt at home but in the actual body in a church it is quenched!

More on that later.

I know that generational curses are real and rampant. I know people cannot see them because"It is how I grew up so it must be okay" is their excuse instead of acknowledging the curse, binding it up and casting it out and asking GOD to fill that void with wisdom and blessings.

I am delivered from that once powerful generational curse and my marriage is blessed beyond words. I look forward to many years with my spouse, I look forward to making real friendships and maintaining them for many years to come.
I hope this blesses someone today.
To GOD be the glory!

I actually started this blog last Oct. 2010..but..

I started the blog last year when my older daughter went off to college and I felt a bit lost even though I had a sixteen year old at home. My older daughter leaving set off something inside of me, which I though was my poor husband's fault and I was experiencing extreme empty-nesting syndrome. I had not posted any blog since that first blog. I had tumultuous year. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and life matters wise. First, I had been laid off. I figured I would take time and spend it on my family, which in the end turned out to be the best decision yet. I will spend time talking about that later. Second, I hit rock bottom, spiritually. I felt I had lost all hope in humanity, and my faith in GOD, I did not have a problem with GOD, I had a problem in wondering why I should believe, when nothing good ever happens. I had, still do honestly, a huge problem with the church body as a whole. I will explain later. Then, I felt my marriage was broken, I was broken in the marriage. Last, all my kids are grown. No one no longer needed me. That hit me so hard, it left me grasping for a purpose, gasping for air. I realized that I love working with children because I am needed. I feel successful with the preparation of childrens' education and their success as citizens. So, with no one to need me, I felt….Unwanted, without a purpose and that drove me over the edge, literally. I probably was the classic of a mental breakdown. It was ugly. From January 2010 to February 2010, I was a hot mess, that was a witch on wheels looking to get in a fight with anyone about anything. I was negative(normally I am not)I was moody, and suffered insomnia, bad.   I ended up gaining weight(too much) due to all of this. I really was as low as I could get. But, it was what I needed.
You see, I had been praying for change. Crying out for change in my marriage, in my life. Well, it came . Heavy and hard.

more next time:).

Revelation part 1

My name is Tammi. I am a typical mom , wife and woman, basically. I am 42 years old, and on 9-11,  I will be 43 years old. I live on Long Island, New York. Not from there, but am from Upstate. A relatively small town that got smaller when a few large plants closed down and the families moved where the jobs were too. I am the oldest of 4 on my father's side and 3 on my mother's side. So, if you could not tell by that simple statement, my parents had divorced from each other. I'm not going to go into the past unless it can not be avoided and at this moment, it can.

What started this journey is dropping of my oldest daughter(who is the middle child)to college. It was a bittersweet time.I was bursting with so much pride, joy and sadness. I almost felt like it was me going to college through her. The rushing around all Summer to get the needed supplies and then get some of her wants and when we could not due to budget issues, she would throw a fit like she was a Queen or something. "Off with their heads" was basically her unspoken words when she could not get what she had deemed to be important until we broke it down and showed her the real important items and the fact that she could not ask for money to go to the Mall anymore. nah. That was NOT happening. She would have to get a job. We would supply the absolute important stuff and maybe, if I felt like it or if it was possible, maybe, I would deposit money into her brand new account for her to use at her discretion.

Back to the college trip. As my husband ran to the Finance Office, I was trying to get our daughter to make her bed, organize her stuff so she would not appear to be a slob to her roommate, because she was a slob at home. We bickered back and forth.
"Ma! Leave me alone! If I want your help, I'll ask." she argued.

"Well, its not like you are doign anything right now." I answered back, glaring holes into her back.

After a few minutes of silence she says,"What should I do ?"

Now I am thinking " Are you freaking kidding me?"

"Make your bed." I answered wearily because we just argued over what she should be doing instead of sitting on her tush.

"Do you want me to help?" I ask her.

"I guess." she answered.

I take everything off her bed, place them either on the floor or hand them to her.

She opens the new sheets and says "What is this?" looking at the two sheets. Again, I look at her like "Are you freaking kidding me?'

"Uh, one is a fittted and one is a regular sheet." I grab the fitted and open it up. Long story short-the bed is made by me.

Dad comes back into the room and her roommate comes in to. Now daughter number one wants to act like we are a disease and she doesn't need us.

We leave shortly after. I feel my eyes water up, so I turn my head away. She saw. She turns away and laughs. But, I know she wanted to cry too. We kept it together, didn't cry.

So as we drive away, I reflect on the fact that 2 of my 3 children are gown and gone, while child number 3 who is 16 years old has to suffer being an only child and suffer her parents all by herself.

Personally, I think she is afraid. Afraid of living with us alone. She already thinks I am loco.

SO we go away for our 20th anniversary. We never did that before. It was nice. I expected more, but, what do I expect from a man who doesn't know how to plan things or think ahead to plan things as such. I'm not really knocking him, but, to me, this is a big one. It should had been planned 2 years ago with a big SHABANG!

Why bother to complain? WHy complain at all? At least we left N.Y. for something. Also, I know that we are looking to buy a house, so it is far more important to focus the money towards that, right?

So here it is, Wed. morning. I try to wake up my vampire resident. She stays awake all night, sleeps until 2 p.m.. I have to tell ya-that drives me up the friggin wall. That is a whole day wasted!

I tell her I want to go take her shopping for school clothes. She mumbled something from under the pillow.

Okay, its not like I am hard of hearing but, heck, it sounded like she was speaking in tongues! So I ask her what she said.

Next thing I know, I am getting yelled at and told that I am the one who always fights with daughter number one, and it was too early for this crap! Mind you, it is 11 a.m. and I have already cleaned the house.

I am baffled and hurt by her accusations and as to why she is reacting the way she is. Seeing her upset I decide to leave.

As I am driving, I feel an onslaught of emotions. Pissed off, hurt, rejected, depressed because no one needed me or wanted me around.

I was offended. I did everything for them and this is how I am treated. Wow.

As I sat inside of Barnes and Nobles, with my nook on my lap, I realized something.

My kids are pretty much gown up and moved on. I didn't know what was next, I didn't know who I was.

Then, I realized, I don't think I ever knew Me.

And this is where some history of the past comes in.

My parents were 16 and 17 years old when they hooked up one night at a party and 9 months later, Viola!
Tammi Marie is born to parents who coudl not stand each other, they were forced to get married and 3 years later with 2 babies they divorced.

Dad went into the Army.
Mom, chose drugs and alcohol and bad choice of men as her path.

We moved a lot. Every year we moved. My mother remarried and had my half sister. But, the man she married introduced Cocaine to her and beat her.

I remember when she was pregnant with my baby sister, I saw her second husband try to run her over in his car. Someone called the Police, they came, drama, drama, drama.

She always took him back.

When he wasn't around , mom was fun. We had good times. She was sober.

When he was around, he beat her. They were high and drunk often. We were neglected. I changed my sister's diapers. I fed my two sisters. At 6 years old I was a mom.

We were dirt poor. Mom never took a job over the table-I always over heard people say "She has an under the table job" and as a kid I never knew what it meant. I am guessing that her husband could not keep a job.
We never had presents, Christmas tree, ect.. No toys for us.

We went outside from 8 am til 8 p.m.-playing with our dogs, and cats. My mom had a horse. We used to visit her a lot. I remember riding her. My parents can not believe that I would remember that. I do.

I think I do remember because, it was a rare happy moment in my childhood. I rode Georgia Girl bare back with a foster brother we had, yes, we had a foster brother. He was a young black boy and all I remeber was that he loved us kids and we loved him. I don't think he stayed long with us.

I learned at a very young age was embaraasment and shame was. I learned not tell anyone anything. I learned not to make friends becuase we moved around so much.

I think at one point my dad threatened my mother's husband because he found out all we do is face the corner in the trailer and he must had hit us. My dad went off on that man. And that man never spoke to us again. He acted like were were not even there which is worse.

So-that is just a wee little bit of my childhood. The reason I bring it up was to show you why as a child I purposed in my heart that I was going to be the absolute best mother any kid ever had.


And it is that revelation that shook me to the core.

I poured my very soul, my marrow of my bones into my children. I had to be there emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally: the way my parents never were for me.

And I did. So much so, that, because as a child I was forced into becoming the mother figure at a young age, I did not know Me, more or less, I did not know there was a Me.

And now, my life goal is almost completed, I feel empty, depressed and wondering what on earth was going on!

As I sat in Barnes and Nobles today, tears slipped down my cheeks. I realized that I was kind of in the Lost and FOund Department of Life.

I lost Me at a very tender age and now at 42 years old, I need to find Me.

I don't know what or where this journey will lead me ore reveal to Me, but, I know I have to find Me.

In order to have peace, I need to Find Me.

So I am inviting you to join me in this journey.

I expect sorrow, pain, to find me on the way.

I expect, I desire to find Laughter once again.

But, most of all, I am looking to Finding.....Me.