Revelation part 1

My name is Tammi. I am a typical mom , wife and woman, basically. I am 42 years old, and on 9-11,  I will be 43 years old. I live on Long Island, New York. Not from there, but am from Upstate. A relatively small town that got smaller when a few large plants closed down and the families moved where the jobs were too. I am the oldest of 4 on my father's side and 3 on my mother's side. So, if you could not tell by that simple statement, my parents had divorced from each other. I'm not going to go into the past unless it can not be avoided and at this moment, it can.

What started this journey is dropping of my oldest daughter(who is the middle child)to college. It was a bittersweet time.I was bursting with so much pride, joy and sadness. I almost felt like it was me going to college through her. The rushing around all Summer to get the needed supplies and then get some of her wants and when we could not due to budget issues, she would throw a fit like she was a Queen or something. "Off with their heads" was basically her unspoken words when she could not get what she had deemed to be important until we broke it down and showed her the real important items and the fact that she could not ask for money to go to the Mall anymore. nah. That was NOT happening. She would have to get a job. We would supply the absolute important stuff and maybe, if I felt like it or if it was possible, maybe, I would deposit money into her brand new account for her to use at her discretion.

Back to the college trip. As my husband ran to the Finance Office, I was trying to get our daughter to make her bed, organize her stuff so she would not appear to be a slob to her roommate, because she was a slob at home. We bickered back and forth.
"Ma! Leave me alone! If I want your help, I'll ask." she argued.

"Well, its not like you are doign anything right now." I answered back, glaring holes into her back.

After a few minutes of silence she says,"What should I do ?"

Now I am thinking " Are you freaking kidding me?"

"Make your bed." I answered wearily because we just argued over what she should be doing instead of sitting on her tush.

"Do you want me to help?" I ask her.

"I guess." she answered.

I take everything off her bed, place them either on the floor or hand them to her.

She opens the new sheets and says "What is this?" looking at the two sheets. Again, I look at her like "Are you freaking kidding me?'

"Uh, one is a fittted and one is a regular sheet." I grab the fitted and open it up. Long story short-the bed is made by me.

Dad comes back into the room and her roommate comes in to. Now daughter number one wants to act like we are a disease and she doesn't need us.

We leave shortly after. I feel my eyes water up, so I turn my head away. She saw. She turns away and laughs. But, I know she wanted to cry too. We kept it together, didn't cry.

So as we drive away, I reflect on the fact that 2 of my 3 children are gown and gone, while child number 3 who is 16 years old has to suffer being an only child and suffer her parents all by herself.

Personally, I think she is afraid. Afraid of living with us alone. She already thinks I am loco.

SO we go away for our 20th anniversary. We never did that before. It was nice. I expected more, but, what do I expect from a man who doesn't know how to plan things or think ahead to plan things as such. I'm not really knocking him, but, to me, this is a big one. It should had been planned 2 years ago with a big SHABANG!

Why bother to complain? WHy complain at all? At least we left N.Y. for something. Also, I know that we are looking to buy a house, so it is far more important to focus the money towards that, right?

So here it is, Wed. morning. I try to wake up my vampire resident. She stays awake all night, sleeps until 2 p.m.. I have to tell ya-that drives me up the friggin wall. That is a whole day wasted!

I tell her I want to go take her shopping for school clothes. She mumbled something from under the pillow.

Okay, its not like I am hard of hearing but, heck, it sounded like she was speaking in tongues! So I ask her what she said.

Next thing I know, I am getting yelled at and told that I am the one who always fights with daughter number one, and it was too early for this crap! Mind you, it is 11 a.m. and I have already cleaned the house.

I am baffled and hurt by her accusations and as to why she is reacting the way she is. Seeing her upset I decide to leave.

As I am driving, I feel an onslaught of emotions. Pissed off, hurt, rejected, depressed because no one needed me or wanted me around.

I was offended. I did everything for them and this is how I am treated. Wow.

As I sat inside of Barnes and Nobles, with my nook on my lap, I realized something.

My kids are pretty much gown up and moved on. I didn't know what was next, I didn't know who I was.

Then, I realized, I don't think I ever knew Me.

And this is where some history of the past comes in.

My parents were 16 and 17 years old when they hooked up one night at a party and 9 months later, Viola!
Tammi Marie is born to parents who coudl not stand each other, they were forced to get married and 3 years later with 2 babies they divorced.

Dad went into the Army.
Mom, chose drugs and alcohol and bad choice of men as her path.

We moved a lot. Every year we moved. My mother remarried and had my half sister. But, the man she married introduced Cocaine to her and beat her.

I remember when she was pregnant with my baby sister, I saw her second husband try to run her over in his car. Someone called the Police, they came, drama, drama, drama.

She always took him back.

When he wasn't around , mom was fun. We had good times. She was sober.

When he was around, he beat her. They were high and drunk often. We were neglected. I changed my sister's diapers. I fed my two sisters. At 6 years old I was a mom.

We were dirt poor. Mom never took a job over the table-I always over heard people say "She has an under the table job" and as a kid I never knew what it meant. I am guessing that her husband could not keep a job.
We never had presents, Christmas tree, ect.. No toys for us.

We went outside from 8 am til 8 p.m.-playing with our dogs, and cats. My mom had a horse. We used to visit her a lot. I remember riding her. My parents can not believe that I would remember that. I do.

I think I do remember because, it was a rare happy moment in my childhood. I rode Georgia Girl bare back with a foster brother we had, yes, we had a foster brother. He was a young black boy and all I remeber was that he loved us kids and we loved him. I don't think he stayed long with us.

I learned at a very young age was embaraasment and shame was. I learned not tell anyone anything. I learned not to make friends becuase we moved around so much.

I think at one point my dad threatened my mother's husband because he found out all we do is face the corner in the trailer and he must had hit us. My dad went off on that man. And that man never spoke to us again. He acted like were were not even there which is worse.

So-that is just a wee little bit of my childhood. The reason I bring it up was to show you why as a child I purposed in my heart that I was going to be the absolute best mother any kid ever had.


And it is that revelation that shook me to the core.

I poured my very soul, my marrow of my bones into my children. I had to be there emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally: the way my parents never were for me.

And I did. So much so, that, because as a child I was forced into becoming the mother figure at a young age, I did not know Me, more or less, I did not know there was a Me.

And now, my life goal is almost completed, I feel empty, depressed and wondering what on earth was going on!

As I sat in Barnes and Nobles today, tears slipped down my cheeks. I realized that I was kind of in the Lost and FOund Department of Life.

I lost Me at a very tender age and now at 42 years old, I need to find Me.

I don't know what or where this journey will lead me ore reveal to Me, but, I know I have to find Me.

In order to have peace, I need to Find Me.

So I am inviting you to join me in this journey.

I expect sorrow, pain, to find me on the way.

I expect, I desire to find Laughter once again.

But, most of all, I am looking to Finding.....Me.