I found my voice.

I began this torturous journey in 2011. Sadly, most women that choose to be a mother, end up as I did. I can say, I had NO IDEA who I was my whole life. So, joining a complete stranger in marriage at age 22 years old was brave and stupid and crazy, did not help me at all.
I am not complaining. I was never allowed to complain as a child. And I believe a complainer is a weak person. I am not weak.

I chose to raise my kids so differently than I was raised. I gave them a voice. I allowed them to express their emotions, freely. Though in the beginning, I followed my parents steps in how I dealt with my kids as far as punishment. And, boy, was I WRONG! Completely inappropriate and did not teach my kids anything except I was the bully. Children have no business being punished. They should be disciplined. BUT, I could not disciple my kids because, I was punished not disciplined as a kid. I am NOT faulting my parents, they ONLY did what their parents did. So, clearly, punishment was an accepted form of parenting. I had to be the one who recognized this generational curse, the one to reconcile it and change it for the future. I learned the difference between punishment and discipline and applied it to my kids. My deepest regret is that my son was a teenager by then and rebelled against us, but, my daughters, they definitely reaped the rewards of my maturity journey.
**I want to rewind in a quick flashback that will offer an insight to my son's struggle.

I grew up in a household where communication lacked greatly. Where, one parent found it difficult to verbalize affirmation and love. You cannot give what you were never given is something I had learned in adulthood.

And the other parent was insecure and turned to drugs and alcohol, not knowing they suffered from Bi-polar and maniac depression.
Though the household was dysfunctional, I am confident now that all households are dysfunctional in some form and fashion.

I left home at 19years old, literally just turned 19 and was in the Army. I was angry. Angry mostly at my father, whom I felt who emotionally inept. Though I felt that, doesn't make it true. I was angry they forced me to go into the Army. They never showed me other options. No one sat me down and discussed the future, ever. No one showed an interest in me enough to invest in me. One of my greatest sorrows as a child. I was angry at the lack of interest in us from my father. I felt...we were a pain in his ass. He was forced to take care of us, that he never wanted us. And I allowed that to fester in my heart for years. I learned in my adult life that what a child sees and understands is that of a child with limited knowledge and limited maturity and little idea of the whole picture.

It was in my mid 40's that my father and step-mother and I finally addressed all of that. Nothing more shocking to find out how wrong I had been and I had been told lies by loved ones, as a child.
 I definitely addressed the issue that all of this could have been avoided IF they talked with us. Apparently, some people, no matter their age, still cannot communicate.
I have no problem asking questions and no problem speaking my mind.
I learned a lot that particular day.

1.) Perspective is not the truth. And mine was so skewed by lies and bits and pieces of memories. I was dealt a blow that rocked my world that day. Everything I thought I knew as a child was a lie. And I learned that though I recalled a lot of incidents as a child, they were in bits and was not the whole picture which led me to perceive things incorrectly. A gross error on my part BUT I was a child, so the adults that played a huge part in my life were just as much at fault, if not more than I. But, I found the strength to forgive them and let go of all that I though I had known so I could FINALLY be free of my torturous past. Many strongholds were broken on that day and moving forward.

2.) No parent is perfect and flawless. We all are perfectly flawed diamonds in the rough. When we are buffed and shining is up to ourselves. When will we take a good look at ourselves and change what we don't like, implement new habits, and grow in maturity? Sooner is better than later. I can attest to that.

3.) I do not hold anything against my parents anymore. I am angry that my mother could not be strong enough for her daughters. Yes. I am. I am angry she is weak. I am angry she can not forgive herself. I am angry that she put herself in a mental prison and she holds the friggin key to be free! But, all of that is on her. Not me.

4.) I am proud of my father. Some things he cannot change or he thinks he cannot change and I am fine with that. But, he has no problem telling us he loves us. And I am happy for that. I am in awe of my step mother for taking on the task of my father, lol. Italian men are not the easiest creatures to be in a relationship with. Emotionally stunted, most of them are. But, she helped my father to grow in so many ways. he rubbed off on her in others ways too, good ways. I don't know what my father thinks of me. Not a clue. He has never told me. Sometimes, I think he is baffled by me. He is not alone. My husband is sometimes too! HAHAHAHAHA.

5.) I spoke my mind and heart on that particular day to my father and step-mother. They listened, they were hurt, not by my words but when they found out the truth of certain things, they hurt because I was hurting.  For the 1st time since I was 12 years old, I wept in front of my parents. I truly believe we finally broke the barriers and saw each other as we are. We have moved on and it feels so freaking awesome!

Why I shared all of this? My son is following a generational curse that I was once on and have broken now, but, he is doing exactly what I did to my parents. I did not call them, did not include them in my life, barely communicated with them, was mad and blamed stuff on them. My son is doing all of that.
And I am not mad. I am praying for his deliverance, his freedom, his healing, his salvation, his blessings. Yes, I am sad. But, I created and fostered that curse, now my son has to suffer. He is an adult. He has to make that decision that I made. I ONLY pray he makes it sooner than I did and pray we are alive for that reconciliation.

Forgiveness is an absolute key to maturity and moving forward in freedom.

Things happened in our marriage that forced , pushed us both to move forward. My husband screaming and dragging his feet the whole time, as I eased on forward, anticipating my growth.

Strength is my middle name. Journey is my first name. Peace is my last name.

I am more confident that I have ever been.

I don't give a damn about what others think or say about me. That is so freeing in itself alone!
I don't care what people think of my strengths or my boldness.
I no longer allow people to intimidate me.
There has been a spiritual cleansing, a freedom, redemption and revelation birthed within me that I recognized and embraced.
The journey to finding myself was extremely painful, embarrassing, shame-filled which I released in true humility to find true peace and purpose. Which is not of the World.

I am grateful for GOD's mercy, grace and forgiveness and HIS unconditional love which was my light in the time of darkness, my warmth in the moments of coldness and my freedom from slavery and bondage.
I was never afraid to be alone. But, now I know, I am never alone.
Fearlessness is the shoes on my feet.
Wisdom is my breast- plate, Truth is my loin cloth. The WORD of GOD is my sword. I embrace my calling as a warrior and do not care of the jealousy, or hatred of others that do not understand my calling and fear my anointing.

I am not ashamed of who I am.
I am not ashamed of where I came from.
I am not ashamed of what I have been through, for it made who I am today.
I am not perfect nor will I profess to ever be.
I know who holds my future.
In that lies my confidence.
No longer am I lost.
I am found.