Down the long dark abyss.

I suspect that many people hit the wall or go down a dark path due to traumatic changes, they just don't tell anyone about it, like me. Mostly, because I don't want to be diagnosed with Bipolar or any other mental disease like my birth mother. It was a dramatic childhood living with an undiagnosed mentally ill person, for sure. That was where I learned to be silent. I did not make "best" friends because of fear of what they would think of my mother and her life style as well as the fact she was so unstable that she moved us almost every single year of our lives while she had custody of us until I was 12 years old. Why bother committing to a friendship when I was not going to be around long?
On top of that, we were poor. My mother did not buy us clothes often and name brands were not in my life until I was an adult. I know remember well the looks of pity from the teachers and how mean the kids were even as far back as Kindergarten.
Learning not to trust as young as 5 years old is a GOD awful event that I am still fighting to overcome. I know many people, really, many. But, trusting them or committing to be more than an acquaintance, simply was not something I knew how to do so I did not.

That was a huge part of my inner demons I struggled with in my marriage too. My husband is my first relationship, though I had boyfriends, again, I did not have a relationship with them, yes that is possible.

So my husband watched me struggle with that inner demon, sometimes I wanted to be with him, most of the time I did not. It really was hard. I felt so bad for him. He was a patient man. We knew I was struggling with something but neither of us could figure it out. I did, just one month ago. It was a comment a character from Grey's Anatomy made, and that comment was a huge BONG in my soul and head. It literally made me jump up and know without a shadow of doubt that was what my struggle was.

It was a generational curse of a lack of commitment forced upon me by my young parents who were not committed to each other , divorcing after 3 or 4 years of marriage, a lack of commitment by my birth mother who could NOT commit to raising us in a healthy, loving home filled with security, moving us around so much that it was an embarrassment. Then when I joined the Army, I moved around often with simple ease and no thought given to it.

I lack the skills and knowledge and desire to commit to a relationship, platonic or intimate.

Needless to say, once I saw that, I wept. For the lost years I feel were wasted, for the lost friendships and for my husband. I pretty much stiffed him of a fulfilling relationship with me because I was so unhappy, contentious and empty inside.

But, I affirm to GOD that once I finished weeping, which, is different from crying, that I felt a heavy, old door close and a new, polished gold door open spiritually and emotionally.

For the first time ever, I felt whole, happy, complete and committed to making my marriage the best ever, restoring peace and joy to my marriage and my home.

I can honestly say, I have never felt so blessed in my whole life as I do now. The joy within me cannot be stolen by the enemy because it is joy from the Lord, pure as gold.

My husband said two nights ago, "This is my wife that I married 21 years ago."

I don't want you to think my house was chaotic or clamorous, filled with contention all those years. But, I was unhappy and hid that for the most of the 21 years until the past 5 years, I just could not hold it in any more.

Neither was it all on me, I am just staking my part.

The fact I was laid off actually helped me so much. I had loads of time to self reflect. I was looking in the spiritual mirror a lot. It is funny how real the WORD is. We, humans really do think we are alright.

We are not. But, as long as we rely on GOD, study HIS WORD, apply the WORD to our DAILY life, focus on ourselves and not others, (I mean don't look for faults in others and be happy to call it out)"Love covers a multitude of sins".

We can make it. Now I know the Word says "Not to forsake the assembly" Heb. 10 v. 25 but I have a hard time finding sincere, mature believers who will lift each other up in love. We have seen so much church mafia, cliques and distortion and manipulation of GOD's precious word for personal gain not GODly gain that I have no desire to assemble with a church.

I seem to get so much more seeking GOD on my own and the freedom of HIS presence is felt at home but in the actual body in a church it is quenched!

More on that later.

I know that generational curses are real and rampant. I know people cannot see them because"It is how I grew up so it must be okay" is their excuse instead of acknowledging the curse, binding it up and casting it out and asking GOD to fill that void with wisdom and blessings.

I am delivered from that once powerful generational curse and my marriage is blessed beyond words. I look forward to many years with my spouse, I look forward to making real friendships and maintaining them for many years to come.
I hope this blesses someone today.
To GOD be the glory!

I actually started this blog last Oct. 2010..but..

I started the blog last year when my older daughter went off to college and I felt a bit lost even though I had a sixteen year old at home. My older daughter leaving set off something inside of me, which I though was my poor husband's fault and I was experiencing extreme empty-nesting syndrome. I had not posted any blog since that first blog. I had tumultuous year. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and life matters wise. First, I had been laid off. I figured I would take time and spend it on my family, which in the end turned out to be the best decision yet. I will spend time talking about that later. Second, I hit rock bottom, spiritually. I felt I had lost all hope in humanity, and my faith in GOD, I did not have a problem with GOD, I had a problem in wondering why I should believe, when nothing good ever happens. I had, still do honestly, a huge problem with the church body as a whole. I will explain later. Then, I felt my marriage was broken, I was broken in the marriage. Last, all my kids are grown. No one no longer needed me. That hit me so hard, it left me grasping for a purpose, gasping for air. I realized that I love working with children because I am needed. I feel successful with the preparation of childrens' education and their success as citizens. So, with no one to need me, I felt….Unwanted, without a purpose and that drove me over the edge, literally. I probably was the classic of a mental breakdown. It was ugly. From January 2010 to February 2010, I was a hot mess, that was a witch on wheels looking to get in a fight with anyone about anything. I was negative(normally I am not)I was moody, and suffered insomnia, bad.   I ended up gaining weight(too much) due to all of this. I really was as low as I could get. But, it was what I needed.
You see, I had been praying for change. Crying out for change in my marriage, in my life. Well, it came . Heavy and hard.

more next time:).